WTF is Lustogamy?

🧠 New Term: Lustogamy™

noun | luh-stah-guh-mee

Definition:
    Lustogamy™ is a modern relationship model coined by Kurt Timsah in 2024, describing how traditional monogamy has evolved subconsciously & unintentionally, into a more extreme, unrealistic expectation, making it virtually impossible to work long-term. In Lustogamous relationships, partners are expected to suppress all natural desires and temptations and remain sexually loyal in reality and thoughts, forever, regardless of how the other person changes or behaves. This newer breed of monogamy, equates temptation and desire (lusts) with cheating, making it nearly impossible to uphold and unknowingly turning many relationships into extreme controlling dynamics, despite the irony that the majority of these couples profess to hate controlling relationships. Timsah theorizes that when a society places lusts (flirting) on the same level of sins (real cheating), it leads to the delusional concept of “emotional cheating”, making one’s thoughts or even dreams to be on trial too. Mr Timsah advises until society is able to eventually stop correlating controlling behaviors as “love”, people should seriously consider avoiding being exclusive today due to this Lustogamy take over of Old School Monogamy.

🎯 Core Traits of Lustogamy™

  • 🔒 Lifelong exclusivity not just sexually but your eyeballs, thoughts and desires too
  • ❌ No lusting after others (even mentally = “emotional cheating”)
  • 💭 Desire is sinful unless directed at them only
  • 📉 Sexual access declines over time
  • 🧽 Emotional labor skyrockets
  • 👰 They still get to feel “chosen” and “special” without maintaining attraction

📉 Why ‘Lustogamy’ Is Illogical for Men

  • 🧬 Biology mismatch – Men are wired for visual novelty and variety; pretending otherwise creates internal conflict and resentment.
  • ⛓️ Unfair power dynamic – The woman sets the sexual tone (gatekeeper), and the man becomes a “lust hostage.”
  • 🪫 Declining returns – Over time, she becomes less sexually invested, but expects more emotional investment.
  • 🧊 Guilt conditioning – Any expression of male desire = labeled “immature,” “perverted,” or “abusive.”
  • 🔄 One-sided loyalty – She still flirts, posts thirst traps, watches romance shows… but his eyes must stay on her alone.

The reason Lustogamy relationships (most relationships) fail in less than 2 years is because A) technology is making flirting and lusting much easier to access and B) most women prefer bad boy types or anti-nice guy types, which are even harder to tame and control.

Let’s look at what Lustogamy looks like when we apply the concept of putting Lusts on the same level of sins, in other areas of life:

  • Lustogamy is the adult version of: “You can’t desire ice cream… because you promised to love broccoli forever”  Then the broccoli accuses you of emotional cheating & leaves you
  • Lustogamy is like accusing a lion of cheating because he watched videos of chasing gazelles—” because he already has a goat that loves him at home”.
  • Trying to enforce Lustogamy today is like trying to stop a flood with a paper towel and a prayer
  • Lustogamy is like uninstalling all fire alarms because “you’re never supposed to smell smoke anyway”.
  • Lustogamy expects men to feel nothing, see nothing, want nothing—while still acting like they’re in a romance novel. It’s not marriage. “It’s mind control with wedding cake.”
  • Lustogamy is like throwing a man into a strip club… and giving him a blindfold and a Bible
  • Lustogamy is like your vehicle not letting you drive it anymore because you looked at a Lamborghini last week too long 
  • Expecting Lustogamy to work today is like expecting a cat to ignore a laser pointer… while it’s being livestreamed in 4K
  • Lustogamy is like accusing a man of failing his Diet because he looked at Donuts


Sounds pretty absurd, right?  Well, this is most ADULTS logic today in relationships! 🤦

Lustogamy is Making Poly or ENM more logical options…

Personally, this was a big reason I finally gave up on monogamy / lustogamy about 5 years ago and decided to implement more of an ENM ( ethical non-monogamy) lifestyle, which focuses on honesty, transparency, low drama & low disney. I must admit, even in my late 40s, its been quite fun. I am sure part of the reason is because I was in MedellĂ­n, Colombia when I decided to make the change.

As a matter of fact, this whole process was like a huge discovery and research project (by accident), which led me to create the “Sugar, Salt & Pepper Daddy Relationship Management System”, which can be seen here.

If this sounds crazy to you, consider the fact that the majority of relationships fall in love BEFORE they decide to become monogamous! I mean, just look at The Bachelor TV show, for example. It’s a Poly dating show where people are falling in love and getting married FOR REAL.

The hard pill to swallow for some of you, is that monogamy is a “mutually controlling relationship”, which has been made 10x more controlling in recent years after it morphed into Lustogamy! So, we essentially have a majority of society walking around claiming they hate controlling relationships, when they really don’t. They actually prefer them. They just don’t realize it. Or they spin control as love, when it suits their interests.

Regardless, we still gotta confront the REALITY that falling in love does not happen in monogamous relationships, but instead it usually occurs BEFORE a couple decides to have that exclusive conversation.

Modern terms like “emotional cheating” popping up during the tech boom, is proof that society’s doubling down on stricter monogamy just as mass communication explodes is a disastrous mismatch.

“Emotional cheating”—a concept that’s only gained traction in recent decades—as a symptom of monogamy morphing into Lustogamy. Before the internet, cell phones, and social media, infidelity was mostly physical; you’d have to meet someone in person to cross that line. But with the tech boom—say, starting in the late ’90s with widespread internet and accelerating through the 2000s with smartphones and apps—flirting or connecting emotionally got exponentially easier. A DM, a text, a like on a post—it’s all instant and discreet. Technically, this should’ve loosened monogamy’s rules to adapt, but instead, society went the opposite way, tightening the leash by treating these micro-interactions as full-blown betrayal.

Mass communication makes temptation ubiquitous—flirting’s “1000x easier”—yet monogamy’s gotten more rigid, not less. Now, a flirty emoji can spark a full-blown fight or destroy a marriage in seconds, as absurd as that sounds. Lustful thoughts or digital dalliances are equated with cheating, creating a “mutually controlling” dynamic that’s nearly impossible to sustain. In short: it’s a losing battle—tech amplifies human impulses, but monogamy’s response is to demand sainthood, not flexibility. It’s insanity folks!

This is one reason (of several) that I recommend ENM (ethical non-monogamy). It’s not just that monogamy’s failing; it’s that Lustogamy (this hyper-strict monogamy) is a misfit for a wired world. ENM lets you roll with the punches—flirt, connect, lust—without it imploding your relationship, because the rules aren’t built on denying what tech makes inevitable.

In conclusions, this means:

1) Monogamy / Lustogamy occurs AFTER a couple falls in love

2) Lustogamy has turned Monogamy into a short-term relationship model ONLY, which averages about 17 months today!

3) Therefore, one has to conclude that Poly, ENM or non-monogamy is the superior model, since that phase is when most people fall in love!

4) I suggest focusing on relationship models that are Loving and Long-Term

 

“Traditional monogamy in the past 20 years has morphed into ‘Lustogamy’™— a subconscious hyper-controlling relationship model where lusts, desires & temptations are treated the same (or worse), than sexual cheating itself, making it virtually improbable to work realistically long-term.”  –  Kurt Timsah